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The Light and Dark of Silence

May 18, 2015

I wrote the following essay a few years ago. In a way I’m stalling because what I really want to write about next is challenging and I’m trusting that when the time is write I’ll be able to find the courage to reveal my thoughts on a very delicate subject. So until then, in order to keep my commitment to myself to write at least once a month here’s my piece for May…

Mom’s life was filled with more pain than the average person endures in a life time. Mom being number seven in a family of nine children, probably left her emotionally starved in many ways. Then her mother and father died before she reached adolescence.

She was raised by her older siblings that married her off at a very young age. Five years later she ran away with my father pregnant with me. She divorced her husband, married my father, only to be faced with fear and confusion because she was being sexually harassed by her father in law and when she did not respond favorably he threaten to kill her and her children.

Ultimately the threats became a reality. In her arms she held her blood drenched 18 mo old, baby daughter, watching her fighting for life after being critically injured, which ended in death. My grandfather who went gun crazy wounded my mother, her sister and killed a friend, as well. All of this story I written in my essay about my grandfather called Block 152 Grave 19.

The reason I’m telling this story again is because of the following thoughts I’ve had about my relationship to my mother. You see, I often wonder if these are the things Mom was thinking about as she moved into her later years?

Often when I was with her, sometimes even while watching TV, I watched her staring off into space and would ask, “What are you thinking about Mom?” and her reply was always, “Oh nothing.” Her inability to share her inner most thoughts with me kept us apart even when we were together. I loved her very much and always wanted to hear her stories. I yearned to have intimate conversations with her, but “Oh nothing,” is all I got.

But her silence was filled with words…. unspoken words that screamed at me about the pain of her life. The untold stories all haunted me and still do when I remember those times I spent with her. Silence with her was not sweet and did not feel holy. This silence for me was dark. It was cold and distant, out of reach, untouchable and stiff like the ironing board that she used to iron everything. This silence filled with unanswered questions, questions I didn’t think to ask, or maybe, on some level, I knew better than to ask, makes me sad.

Her silence went deep within her mind but it touched my heart and haunts me to this day. For years this pain came between me and who I wanted to be. For years and at times even now, there is a hangover of painful silence that is difficult to heal, as I struggle to sit and write when I don’t know what to say—knowing that to sit is to remember the silence, her silence, my silence, like a pact we made from the same place that her mind touched my heart.

My saving Grace is that I yearn to be in, and keep returning to the light of silence, that place where all is known, where truth lives and triumphs. That place where I let go and let writing happen. That place that trusts my inner knowing. That place that knows I’m already here, that I have arrived, that I am writing.

Silence in the light is radiant like a morning sun and bright as the evening moon at it’s fullest. It’s bright as the fluffy white cloud of unknowing full of hope and peace and joy. In this place the words fall off my fingers, on to the keyboard, and into the world, revealing all I need to know and do. I’m centered, full of joy and working, writing, knowing that I’m just an instrument, that God is my companion in this endeavor to keep telling the truth, and that “All is Possible With God.” I use to eat compulsively over all this. Today I sit, feel the pain and write.

 
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Posted by on May 17, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Celebrating Easter Everyday….

Celebrating Easter Everyday….

During this lenten season, with the anticipation of Easter Sunday on my mind, I’ve been pondering the mystery of the death and resurrection of Jesus and what it means for me personally.

As most of you know I believe that there is only one God. God for me is known by many names. I believe that God shows up in a perfect way for everyone, everywhere. I also believe that some people that don’t acknowledge God, but are kind, loving, generous people are being used by God whether they know it or not.

Today I am a committed follower of the teachings of Jesus first and foremost in my life. About 25 years ago I took a spiritual side trip and had a great time learning about all the ways that God shows up for other people. Bottom line I learned that to live in the Kingdom of Love is all there is and those of us who know that, live a happy life no matter what is going on in the world or in our lives.

Then four years ago I was strongly urged to narrow my path. Catholicism and Jesus is the way God showed up for me when I was born.  So I was led back to the Catholic Church, continuing to take what I liked and leaving the rest. With the main focus for me being the teachings of Jesus. I’ve learned that in order to follow these teachings I needed a personal relationship with Jesus. So Jesus became my best friend and I talk with Him often during the day and night.

In Genesis we read that the Spirit of God, from before the beginning of time, hovered over all the empty, darkness of what became the world. So the Holy Spirit has always been and will always be everywhere.

But…. something happened when Jesus died on the cross. I think that during His trial he was tortured not only by the all the humiliation he went through during that time but He took on every aspect of what humans face in the world. He literally absorbed all the evil, all the shame, all the pain and ugliness of the world and surrendered it all and died releasing the power of His Holy Spirit.

Jesus told his disciples that when he died he would send His Spirit to minister to them and guide them. While on earth he was fully human and called Jesus. When he died on the cross and rose from the dead He was able to release His “Christ” Spirit to the whole world, in a more powerful way.  He filled the world and each one of us with His Christ powered Grace so that all of us could chose to be a part of His Holy Spirit more fully.

Now some of you may not agree with all that I’ve said and that’s o.k. But let’s face it something very powerful happened when he rose from the dead. Just think about what we know. Jesus was physically and actively teaching in the world for only three years. He taught 12 men how to follow in his foot steps and now over 2000 years have past but his message came through and spread all over the world in a very short time.

FATHER ROHR SAYS IT THIS WAY:

“The day of Pentecost frees the apostles to believe in a God who is

actively involved in their lives and no longer a mere intellectual

concept. The Holy Spirit has become wind, fire, joy, excitement,

universal shareability, and not just another boring Sabbath obligation

or more commandments to obey. Notice how all the metaphors of Spirit

presence are dynamic, alive, moving, and universally available.

 

The Spirit will always be totally unmerited grace. She always takes the

initiative, because Spirit is omnipresent, and thus there first! In the

first Pentecost account (Acts 2:1-13 [1]) the Holy Spirit is experienced as

intimacy, enlightenment, joy, and fire, and as the power to love beyond

boundaries and ethnicities, which now becomes the universal language.

She is presented as surprising, elusive, and free, and yet totally

given. The Spirit comes from no place we can control, least of all by

our good behavior or even our bad behavior. All we can do is surrender,

enjoy, and share. A spirit-filled life becomes like a pass-through

savings account—which gains lots of “interest” for yourself and

others when it is consciously enjoyed.”

Now this is what we can celebrate everyday of our lives….not just on Easter Sunday.

Thinking about you with Love this Holy Season I pray…. May your lives be enriched with Love, Joy and Peace.

Love, Anne

Remember to Feed Your Soul

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on March 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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