The last time I posted was on January 1, 2015. I promised myself I would post at least once a month, give or take a week or so. Well, life happened and my plans were altered do to a set of unfortunate and very sad circumstance.
February 17, 2015 I started running a fever had chills and a sever headache. I’d caught a virus and it was kicking the life out of me. I can not remember ever being so sick. No appetite at all, nothing tasted good and just a few bites was all I could manage…Now you know I was very sick. This is the first time in my life that I can remember losing my appetite or taste for food.
I was in bed through the end of February and two weeks into March. During all that time, by the grace of God, Bob took over. He did everything that needed to be done. He did grocery shopping, he fixed meals, he did all the dishes, he did laundry and was at my beckon call. He was truly and angel and took very good care of me.
It’s only been a week or so since I’ve slowly started back to my daily routine. I’m very cautious because I’ve been told that this virus comes back with vengeance and I’ll do anything to avoid being that sick again.
November, December and January were filled with serious concern about my brother Bob, so here’s my thoughts and feeling about what happened to him and to me.
Coming to terms with my brother Bob’s illness and ultimate death was a difficult process for me. Bob was 18 months younger than me and growing up we were best friends. Sometime late summer or early fall of 2013 Bob was diagnosed with cancer on the back of his lung and cancer on his adrenal gland. He had chemo treatments hoping to reduce the size of the tumors. That did not happen but the doctor felt confident that surgery was in order. Early November they removed one lobe of his lung and although the surgery went very well he was traumatized and ended up in a confused state for several weeks. Also what was troubling was that he still had a fast growing cancer on his adrenal gland. Finally in December there were times when his thinking and speaking were clear and he was in good spirits, so we had a couple of great visits. Thank you God. But he never recovered completely. But, by mid January he was at home with Hospice Care and on January 31st he passed away surrounded by family. I’m told that he had a peaceful passing… he simple took a breath and let go. He let go of life as we know it and passed on to a new adventure.. So now I would like to explore what was going on for me as I watched my brother going through his dying process. I think we can agree that life on planet earth is about living and about dying. Whether we know it or not we are preparing on some level for that day in our individual lives and/or the lives of our loved ones when it’s time for us to take that special journey into a new life. When someone near and dear is suffering we can not help but relate it to ourselves. I am no different than anyone else going through such a challenge. My own longevity was in question and sometimes I even wonder what my process would be like. My spiritual life is full, my relationship with God is healthy, I am peaceful most of the time. However…I have a lot of questions! Questions that I ask myself and questions and/or statements that others present to me. I personally do not ask “why,” is this happening? I ask “what” does this challenge want to teach me about my life? I had someone tell me recently that they thought God caused death and illness. Their premise was that God is all powerful and in control of life so God must cause illness and death. I do not agree. First of all I admit that illness and death are very complicated and that I do not fully understand what causes illness and or death. I do believe that during times of illness and death, our mental, emotional, physical and most importantly our spiritual lives are affected. But one thing I know for sure is that God DOES NOT CAUSE us to get sick and God does NOT CAUSE death. God allows nature to take it’s course. In my opinion not always, but quite often, we are just suffering the consequences of the choices we’ve made. As I grieved my Bob’s passing I went in and out of pain. It came in waves especially as I thought about our close relationship as children. For the first six years of our lives, Bob and I were each other’s sole playmate. From that start in life we continue to grow our friendship through high school. and for many years after that. Along with the pain in my heart, several times I experienced getting very angry and frustrated within myself. I had a battle going on inside of me because I wanted closure on this very sad situation. I wanted to celebrate my brother’s life and share with everyone what a wonderful, kind, loving, amazing human being he was. When I asked myself, “What is going on here?” “What is this anger and frustration trying to teach me?” I heard within my mind, “LET GO”!!! Oh boy that old ugly “Control Issue” was back to get me. I got it… because I did not have any control over what was happening I became very angry and frustrated. I also reminded myself that all that was going on wasn’t about me at all. Yes I needed to LET GO AGAIN!! I realized that all my pain, all my anger, all my frustration was more about what I told myself about what was going on and not what was really happening. So, I prayed and let go. How do I know I let go?…well my peace and joy was immediately restored and now I look forward to celebrating my brother life on May 5, Thank you God!!!