May 18, 2012
CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL!!!
Step three is about surrender. Giving up compulsive overeating compared to the pain of aging was a piece of cake. By the grace of God the strong impulse to overeat has lessened to the point where it is not a problem in my face 24/7. I can’t say that I never overeat but I can say that the compulsion is not the debilitating challenge of thirty years ago. O.K. so having said that here’s what I want to say about my aging.
I really don’t want to write this because it means I have to take a good look at myself and what is going on with me personally in this process.
There’s a part of me that wants to put on a happy face and pretend that all is well so everyone will think I’m aging “gracefully.” Aging gracefully is my goal but I am nowhere near that state yet!!!
In step four I’m told to take a vigorously honest look at myself and tell the truth about what is going on. Then step five says to admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. So here goes.
God has heard all this numerous times but now it’s time for me to get it off my chest, by writing to you my readers and thereby opening my heart to what is my part in all this pain.
Aging is not for the weak hearted, weak minded….weak anything for that matter. Staying on course by being true to myself, reaching out for help at any cost, speaking my truth with love, being patient and kind in all my communications, even when I‘m cranky and could be mean spirited…. for me is very difficult. I know NOW…. first hand….. why old people are cranky and mean.
I’ve been in a tug of war with my hip pain and my heart. The hip pain is physical and the heart pain is emotional. The hip pain is in my body the heart pain is in my emotions and directly connected to my physical pain and to the challenges of my family life. Right in the middle of this storm is where I want to be. I want to move into the eye of the storm right into arms of my Loving Father, where healing occurs and peace and joy reside and angels rejoice.
The hip pain scares me sometimes. I know that when I cave into the fear of what the hip tells me, I get depressed and cranky and the pain gets worse.
Also there is lots going on in my family that is distressing to say the least. I’m not going to bore you with the details but I do need to tell you that I also find it difficult not to cave into the fear and worry of all that. This is no different than caving into the fear of what my hip tells me. Same negative consequences in both cases.
All of the above is hard work and takes a lot of energy. Paying close attention to my thoughts, bringing my attention back to the present moment when my hip or family worries want to take me elsewhere…. takes a lot of energy. However I’ve learned that it’s in the present moment that the arms of my heavenly Father embrace me and love me through the pain. Preparing me to be ready to have all my defects of character removed.
There’s and old Hymn called Blessed Assurance and these verse I find comforting.
Perfect submission (surrender), perfect delight,
Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;
Angels descending bring from above
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.
These words have the power to put me in the arms of my heavenly Father, where all is well….all is truly well.
When I think about what is going on for me right now and if I’m truly honest these are my shortcomings as I see them in this moment, fear, worry, lack of faith, lack of love, impatience and pride.
So that’s where I am today with the aging process.
My saving grace is in the next three steps of recovery….
Step Six says, “Were ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”
Yes! I’m now ready for more help with these challenges. I am ready to be healed, to be more peaceful, loving and filled with joy. I willing and I’m ready and I’m doing the necessary steps to get to this place. I am truly powerless over my life and am ready to let go more and more until the ultimate letting go. God it’s all in Your hands now, please take me to the next step.
Step Seven says, and I comply….“I humble ask that You, my God to please remove my shortcomings.” Today on a deeper level I know I can not do this by myself and just like the fierce compulsion to overeat stole my peace and joy thirty years ago and was healed by my God, these defects will be healed as well. Amen!!!
Step Eight and Nine are also Step Ten for me.
Step ten says: Continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong, promptly admit it.
Well the fear and worry are acts against myself. Doing this inventory is my way of making amends to me. I’m the one that suffers when I let fear and worry creep in. I also make amends to myself by being gentle, kind and loving when I fall short, looking always for progress and not perfection. I’m never going to do this perfectly.
When I’m impatient, cranky and mean spirited I apologize. My husband gets the brunt of those defects and by the grace of God he forgives me over and over and over. Lord please help me let Your love permeate my life and spill over on all people I come in contact with. I know that with you all things are possible….into your hands I commend my spirit and trust You are transforming me from the inside out. Amen!!!
Thank you all for listening. May God continue to bless all of us and all that we do.
Remember to feed your soul!!!