December 9, 2011
What was I thinking when I posted on Facebook truth be told. Why do I want to bear my soul again. Well I learned a long time ago to do what I’m led to do. After a very rough morning I was feeling numb about all that had happened and it was only 5:30 a.m. I was praying a litany of complaints and even told God I was not happy at all. I was for the first time ever feeling detached from my Higher Power. For me the pity pot will put you in that place faster than any other seat in life. So I said….”God I need a sign!” Please give me a sign.
Now before I asked for a sign and even before I was praying my litany of complaints I decided that I was too upset to meditate so instead I would do the readings for the day. I like to read the scriptures that are scheduled for the mass of the day and I have a book of daily readings for Advent.
I really thought that doing those readings would uplift my spirit and I’d be on my way to feeling peaceful and joyful again. Well the readings left me flat….flat on my pity pot again. My dark hole got darker and darker, I shed a few tears and then the next message I got was to write in my journal.
When I went to my journal and saw that I hadn’t written for six days I wasn’t surprised at all. You see not only have I not written in my blog, I even neglected writing all together. Boy that’s when I know I’m in big trouble.
So I started writing. Writing out all my complaints and asking God to help me….helped a teeny bit.
So I left my computer still a bit agitated. I fixed breakfast and then we went to the gym. I was rude and sassy with poor Bob. I hurt his feelings and at the time I didn’t even care. Then when the receptionist asked me how I was I said…..”I’m cranky,” and stomped off.
Well here comes the good news. I looked for a sign in my scripture reading and got none…..but sitting on the exercise bike I’m reading about a woman and her healing process of recovering from depression. Her’s is clinical depression, maybe bipolar disorder or manic depressive, her doctors used both terms. Earlier in the week her writings added to my flunk but today I decided to get to the good parts. I’d read enough about all the horrible stuff that happened to her. And that’s where I got my sign that helpped me get back on track.
She has twelve steps that she takes to stay sane and here are the ones that spoke directly to me. Here I am sitting on the exercise bike and she’s talking about how important it is to exercise to relieve depression. She went on to explain that cardiovascular workouts stimulate brain chemicals that foster growth of nerve cells. It increases the activity of serotonin and/or norepinephrine and a raised heart rate releases endorphins and a hormone known as ANP, which reduces pain, induces euphoria and helps control the brain’s response to stress and anxiety. Well at that point I pumped harder and harder. I started feeling better already.
Then she talked about the importance of prayer and meditation. She said we need to be patient and disciplined. Well that’s on my gratitude list. I faithfully pray and meditated almost every morning. But what uplifted me most was hearing all the ways she prays. She prays a mantra or she prays a rosary when she’s unable to do anything else. She reminded me that praying a rosary, holding each bead as you pray is sacred.
I’ve memorized the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi and so did she. Then she said something that made me smile a lot because I do this also. She said, “I yell at God a lot too,” She went on to say, “I consider my loud ranting prayers sacred because getting mad and communicating my frustration means that I’m in a real, organic relationship with my Higher Power.” God does not care how we pray….God only cares that we pray.
And….this is the last one. “Fake it ’til you make it!” So off I go now consciously faking it ’til I make it. I’ll make a conscious effort to be happy and let you know how the rest of my day goes.
I have to remember…..to be truly holy we need to be fully human. Accepting our short comings and moving forward however we are led to do. Trusting that if we do our part…..God will do the rest. AMEN!!!
Remember to feed your soul!