June 14, 2011
Once again I’m nudged to continue with #2. What I neglected to write in my last post is that along with meditation as a tool to quiet the committee in my head I used affirmations. But first I want to describe what that committee in my head sounded like and when it would attack me.
When I first became aware of this damaging force in my life, it was strongest when I woke up in the morning. The sense I had… was that it was sitting at the foot of my bed waiting to attack me before I was fully awake.
It would tell me every mistake I’d made the day before and it would critique almost everything I did during the next day. Without knowing it I’d let these thoughts in my mind rule the way I felt about myself. For many years the only way I knew to numb these thoughts and feelings was to eat too much or to eat way too little. But that’s another story for another time.
So before I could sit and meditate effectively I had to tame “the committee” in my head. So I used affirmations, scripture, memorized prayers….long prayers like the prayer of St. Francis, (Make me an Instrument of you Peace, etc). I think you get the idea. I had to force out the negative thoughts with positive thoughts and prayers. I had to be vigilant and not give up until….one day I woke up thinking, Thank you God for a new day, instead of…..Oh God it’s morning ):
Taming “the committee” has been a process that continues today. Yes, I meditate on a regular basis but I’m also vigilant about guarding the door of my mind with prayer. I now have a tool box that helps me continue to have peace of mind most of the time. If I can’t shut up the committee I call and talk with someone and share what’s going on. For me that’s a form of surrender. To reach out for help is saying I can’t do this by myself. I need help. That was very difficult for me in the beginning. I’m a do it myself kind of person…..but I’m ever so grateful for my willingness to grow and change at any cost. Today I know that all I’ve done has come together to help me be the imperfect……peaceful, loving, human being that I am today. Of myself I am nothing….with the help of God and lot of people that God works through…… here I am writing a blog.
Can you believe there was a time I could not even write a simple thank you note? My committee told me I could not write and I let those thoughts make me anxious and avoided writing anything…. anything at all for many years.
May your feet walk in holiness and
your steps be ordered by your Maker.
May your hands be tender and helping,
blessing those in need.
May your heart be humble and
receptive to one another
and to the of things your Higher Power.
Anne….Please feel free to comment and or ask questions.